Friday, December 02, 2005

Product Placement

Have you seen that commercial for Starbucks bottled Frappucino where the girl is walking through her office and stuff sticks to her? Like, someone yells out, "I need that presentation done!" and then a laptop comes flying out of nowhere and sticks to her arm. And someone else yells out, "Your dog bit the neighbor again," and then a growling dog slides across the parquet and sticks to her ankle. And someone else walks by with a mail cart and tosses an assortment of letters and packages at her, and that assortment sticks to her ass. And someone else else yells out, "Frank's freakin' out about something," and then we see our heroine with an actual dude stuck to her back, saying "This color coding system: it has color, but no code."

I hate that commercial.

First: This gal must be pretty low on the relative corporate ladder — she's devising color coding systems, and sucking at it, too, apparently. Does she really have a secretary to take "your dog bit your neighbor again" calls? And does anyone really call their neighbor's office — their neighbor's secretary — when they get bit by their neigbor's dog? Get a job! And quit hanging around your employed neighbor's dog during the workday. It already bit you once, dumbass!

Second: What the hell's up with the way "Frank" is posed? I mean, I know he's stuck to some chick's back (some chick who can only color, and not code... maybe he should think about finding new help) but does he really have to look like that? He's all squnched up like he was sitting in a chair until cruel cruel fate ripped him out of it and sent him sailing through the office, only to adhere magnetically to the spine of a subpar employee. Frank: you're stuck there, so relax. The commercial's only thirty seconds long, and Gal's about to get her Frap and then you'll be free, so put your legs down!

Third: I'm always super disappointed when Gal opens the fridge and there's only overpriced flavored coffee beverages in there. I'm expecting a nice frosty bottle of booze, or something tropicolored with an umbrella, or maybe even one of those clever commercial-portals to the beach (cue Seagulls and Waves Crashing). And it's not like I see the commercial and recognize it as a Starbucks commercial. No, every time I see it, I think, "wow there's gonna be something killer in that fridge!" And there never is.*

I don't even know if this commercial is on anymore. I was just thinking about it because I'm having one of those "Frank's freakin' out about something" days, where no matter how much warning I have, or how much caffeine I have to look forward to, I just can't seem to catch a break.

I'll have to fire that secretary of mine for not taking the total brunt of a crappy Friday in my stead.

* It's just like how I wake up once every few weeks thinking "Hey! Maybe Melrose Place finally came out on DVD, and I just didn't know about it!" and then I check, and then it's still not out on DVD. Highly disappointing.