Sunday, November 06, 2005

"We were just a near miss..."

I got this e-mail from a guy I was supposed to go out with Wednesday night and who, in total keeping with the pattern, ceased all communication until this morning:

"Hey you. I am so sorry I am such a worthless correspondent. Basically, I am having serious maybe-get-back-together-with-my-ex-girlfriend issues, which sort of makes me skiddish, like a champion horse. :) Anyway, let's let things simmer for a week — I'll be able to tell you a lot more then. Whether or not we ever go on a "date" I'd really like to be friends — you are too smart and funny to ignore."

Well, this is just perfect.

Really, I should have seen this coming. I mean, the last guy I went on a date with had to postpone because the band Slipknot was going to be crashing at his apartment. Scary fellows, those, and the guy didn't turn out to be much better. Bonus points for creative get-out-of-date-free excuse, though. I guess "oops I got back together with my ex the same day we were supposed to go out" is just as good, though.

But let's dissect this, shall we?

We'll start with "skiddish like a champion horse."

In my reply e-mail, I told him exactly how well I get along with horses. I have one horse story. It involves a six-year-old me holding on for dear life and screaming my little blonde head off while a supposedly tame petting zoo horse drags me through the forest and into somebody's backyard. Pine needles, an angry woman shaking a broom, and the horse munching underwear off an outside laundry line also figure prominently in the story. Needless to say: me and horses? Yeah, not so much.

OK, on to "let's let things simmer."

Who (who!) is feeding guys all these cooking metaphors? They're "simmering," they're "marinating," they're, I don't know, "whipping until peaks form." What the hell's next? "Let's bring this relationship to a slow rolling boil before we turn the heat off completely"? (Hey, wait a second, that might be a step up.) How about you save the cooking stuff for someone who can make more than toast, or at least incorporate some "sizzling" or "melting" or (as is the case with most of my personal cooking experiences) "buring." The good kind, not the gross kind.

Finally, let's address "I'd really like to be friends."

I'll extend the horse metaphor for this one. When it comes to "just being friends" with guys who have girlfriends, my track record is less-than-spectacular.

And I know, I know, "let's be friends" is the widely accepted "right" thing to say. But do you think it's fair, really, to take up my time being friends when there are so many other guys who haven't gotten their chance to test-drive their can't-date-you excuses on me? Step aside and let the line move forward! (I'm actually interested to see who can top Slipknot. "My friend has tuberculosis and I have to visit him in the hospital" might have run a close second, but it was from the same guy.)

You know, sometimes it takes a conscious effort not to call my mom and say, "Mom, I know you're counting on me, your only child, to extend the family, but, really, you should just get a Chuihuahua or something now, because my failure in the getting-married-and-producing-offspring department becomes more inevitable with each passing day."