Tuesday, November 22, 2005

'L Diablo

Dear Chicago Transit Authority,

I know you've had a lot to think about lately, what with all the hubbub over proposed fare hikes and the concerns about your decidedly shoddy security. But I have another request to make as you eke out final details for 2006.

Please consider making the last car on each morning-rush-hour train a "Firey Cheetos Free" car.

I don't know who started the Firey Cheetos For Breakfast movement, and, frankly, I don't care. All I care about is: not seeing your patrons inhaling packetfuls of stopsign red snackfoods at 8:00 in the morning; not smelling that slightly acidic, burning-the-intestines-even-secondhand aroma before I've officially woken up; not nearly slipping on those silvery-lined biohazard bags that lurk under seat after seat.

I'm not sure if you know how I feel about public displays of fingerlicking: they make me feel all shuddery and angry and kind of like I need to scrape my tongue with my own fingernails to banish the sensation. And that's not even taking into account post-Firey Cheeto fingerlicking. I never imagined that a form of fingerlicking more heinous than that experienced after a Medieval Times fowl-dissection-by-hand could exist. But it can, and it does.*

At least bones are organic, unlike that fluorescent red powder that coats each knotty stick of deepfried... what the hell is the base of a Cheeto? Corn? Potato? Air? Oh, god, I don't even know. I do know that we should all be suspicious of cheese that appears in such a state and color so very contrary to the laws and occurrances of nature, and that we should actively discourage the ingestion of said cheese (and its equally-as-unhealthy carrier), especially in confined public transportation scenarios, and especially before noon.

So take a stand, CTA. Devise an elaborate marketing campaign alerting your riders to the dangers of Firey Cheetos, and take a no-nonsense approach to disciplining violators of the last-car-as-safe-zone rule. I would be happy to design some cute posters for the cause; I know just the right color of red to use to really drive the point home.

* There's more saliva and smacking, I've noticed, involved with post-Fiery Cheeto fingerlicking. This is presumably on account of having to orally dispose of every last fire-red cheese-particle, lest the acid from left behind cheese-particles should cause festering blisters on the fingertips.