Sunday, October 09, 2005

Immaculate Misconception

On Friday I got a letter from Planned Parenthood. And it wasn't just a letter; I am now a bona fide, card-carrying "Friend of Planned Parenthood." No questions asked, no money down, no commitment required (hey! Just like my real friends!)

The obvious question is: how did Planned Parenthood choose me to be a friend? The letter wasn't addressed to "Erin With a Capital V," as it probably should have been, so either they think I'm a different Erin altogether or (I'm inclined to go with this option) they're just so in awe of my arsenal of creative birth control methods that I qualify as a "friend" because they know they have a thing or two to learn from me.

Well, round up all your other gal pals, PP, because I think I've found the ultimate answer to the world's population control problems. Ready for it? Cat Socks. That's right. I folded not one, not two, but three pairs of socks with cats on them Saturday when I was doing my laundry,* and I'm pretty sure everyone at the laundromat (including the cute boy who works there, the one who sees a lot of rifraff, so who must find me attractive at least on a base level) saw me doin' it.

And who's to say how many guys I've warded off by actually wearing said Cat Socks (I mean, I had three pairs — three pairs!!! — in just one load of laundry. How many pairs are actually residing in my sock drawer?)

So this is why Planned Parenthood is so keen to be pals with me! I'm a family planning genius! There's no way anyone who owns this many pairs of Cat Socks could ever run the risk of unplanned pregnancy. Or planned pregnancy. Whatever.

Included with my "Friends of Planned Parenthood" card (which now lays claim to the coveted space between my Blockbuster card and the Barnes and Noble gift card with 53 cents left on it) was a letter to my state representative, urging her to support pro-choice and family-planning programs. The letter ends on this note: "Furthermore, with half of all pregnancies in this country being unintended**, I believe we should be doing much more to support access to affordable, effective family planning." I added on in pen: "Which is why I think one pair of Cat Socks should be included, gratis, in care packages sent to all unwed women. I know I personally could go for another pair. Pink, if you please."

* The phrase "Saturday when I was doing my laundry" may also be submitted into evidence as to why I am such a highly sought-after family planning guru.

** Terrible passive grammar here, PP. (Add "grammar geek" to the above-mentioned evidence list as well.)