Friday, August 12, 2005

I think #4 has the most growth potential

I'm surprised - and a little disheartened - that unemployment hasn't afforded much TV time. Still, I managed to squeeze in a circa-1989, Richard Dawson-era episode of Family Feud the other day, and thank goodness I did. At a time when my career plans are up in the air, I'll take guidance anywhere I can get it. And if that means takin' it from a cheesy '80s game show hosted by a sleazebag who can't keep his mouth off the female contestants, well, so be it.

So here's the sitch:

It's the double points round. Farrah Fawcett Hair from Family A (50 points) is at the podium, set to face off against Ken Doll Lookalike from Family B (89 points); cheeks have been kissed, hands have been placed behind backs and on buzzers, and it's on.

Rich: Top four answers are on the board. Name a profession... in which a woman...

Ken: HOMEMAKER!

[I'm shaking my head in disgust just typing that, like obviously, if the question is about "women" and "professions," homemaker must be on the list of answers. I mean, there are only, what, like five total instances in which "women" and "profession" can be used in conjunction with one another, and homemaker is so the obvious first choice, right? Dick.)

Rich: ... can flirt.*

[Ohhhhh. Well, that changes everything, doesn't it, Kenny? When was the last time your wife the homemaker flirted, huh? Ha! That's what I thought.]

FawcettHair: SECRETARY!

Rich: Can I see 'secretary?' (wait for it... wait for it...DING!) Number two!

Family A opts to play. They easily accrue points for "WAITRESS!" (Number 1, listed on the board as 'Waitress/Barmaid') and "STEWARDESS!" (Number 3). But now they're stuck. They're mentally ticking off female-friendly occupations in their minds. I think one guy is actually using his fingers ("Let's see, we've got waitress, secretary, homemaker's not on the list, stewardess, what else IS there?")

He guesses "SCHOOL TEACHER!" Alright there, Captain Letourneau, way to think through your answer. It's not on the board, and Family A garners its first red X.

Rich continues down the line, and Family A starts biting their nails in nervous anticipation as "AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR!" earns them another X. Family B huddles up and murmurs possible answers for the steal. Rich is at the end of Family A's line. He kisses the final player (ew) who squeaks out "ACTRESS!" and is almost instantly granted the death blow. Dammit, Family A, you had to give it up to HOMEMAKER! Ken, didn't you?

Family B has ceased deliberating and they're ready with their final answer. It's "SALES CLERK!"

Rich: Let me see...'sales clerk' (wait for it... wait for it... BZZT!) Nope.

Now, everybody knows that the best part of Family Feud is when Richard Dawson reveals the answers that nobody guessed, and everyone on stage throws up their hands in exaggerated exasperation, and everyone in the audience reads the answer aloud in that 'you-should-have-known-that-you-idiots' tone. This one was particularly sweet.

Rich: 100 people surveyed. Name a profession in which women can flirt. Can I see the number four answer?

Everbody: PROSTITUE!!!

So there I have it. Not one potential career redirection, but four. How lucky am I that I had the urge, at 11:30 in the morning, to roll out of bed and turn on the Game Show Network for the first time ever? Pretty damn lucky if you ask me.

And now I'm off to buy some lucky red patent leather thigh-high boots, you know, for my new profession.

* Those of us playing along at home yell out "GRAPHIC DESIGNER!!!!" Then, those of us playing along at home realize that a.) We are playing along at home alone; b.) We are no longer graphic designers. We are unemployed; and c.) Unemployment has made us crazy. Crazy as in shouting at the TV like 80-year-olds and referring to ourselves using the royal we.