Saturday, December 04, 2004

So you wanna be a wrap superstar?

I wasn't in the best mood yesterday. My first thought was "Buy a bottle of vodka and drink alone and mope!" My second thought was somewhat healthier. It was "Go watch Colin Farrell rock a skirt for three hours!" Sure, "Alexander" got horrible reviews, and sure, it would mean going to another movie by myself,* but it's rare for a girl to be promised guy-on-guy action in a movie, and even more rare for that promise to include Colin Farrell-on-Jordan Catalano action. Couldn't be THAT bad, right? Riiiiiight? Yeah... not right.

First of all, *hugging* does not count as guy-on-guy action. But try as he might, little doe-eyed Jordan Catalano couldn't even get to first base with Alexander**. Sad for him. Even sadder for me. (On a side note, just how *pretty* can a guy actually be? Catalano crosses that line, I think.)

Second of all, if there's one thing I thought I'd never get sick of, it was Colin Farrell's legs (etc...) Wrong. 173 minutes of Colin's legs was overkill, even for me. And he was playing Alexander, my historical crush, so I should have been fascinated by things beyond the aesthetics. But I wasn't. The one up-side is that I had 173 whole minutes to perfect my Alexander and Hephastion trying (so hard!) to express emotion with their eyes impression. I think I have it down, and if you want to save eight bucks and about a million hours, you should ask me to reinact.

Instead of seeing the movie, I should have just done what I did today. I went to the most magical place in the world (wait for it... wait for it...) GIFT WRAP WONDERLAND!!!! Boy, I tell ya what. That Container Store sure knows what it's doing, with all the wrapping paper and tape and shit. I could say with almost one hundred percent certainty that I spend more on gift wrap than on actual presents, and it's all because of GIFT WRAP WONDERLAND!!!! So many options! So seductive! So freakin' expensive! But it's worth it.

Wrapping presents is my favorite part of the holidays, probably because it's a quiet, alone-time activity that doesn't involve relatives or dressing up or the need for "cheer" and "good will." I basically get to play with sharp objects and disguise something really crappy as something really awesome. And I dig that.

* Actually, I make a really good movie date. I never have that who-buys-the-popcorn debate, I always agree with the witty comments I make to myself during the movie, and I usually put out at the end of the night.

** "Alexander the Great... or should I say 'Alexander the SO-SO?'"