Saturday, October 30, 2004

Because everyone else is...?

So does starting a blog at this relatively late point in the universal trend of blog-dom make me a sell-out? I mean, everyone is doing it (right?)*, and far be it from me to deny my own lemming mentality and stay out of the mainstream.

But there's a flip side: It's been so long since I've written just to write. For that matter, it's been for-freakin'-ever since I've written for any reason excluding mandatory assignments (ask me about my series -- spanning six quarters and probably 9 classes -- of A+ essays exploring lesbianism and/or pornography in [17-18-19-20]th Century [literature-art-journalism]**) or the promise of a minor pittance (ask me about my series -- spanning three years -- of $25 cliche-strings compiled under the heading "Erin pretends to know something about music."**)

So this isn't really selling out. It's [what's the opposite of selling out? Selling in? Buying out? Buying in? (no, that's selling out all over again)] um... it's good for me, that's what it is (if only because I get to make up my own punctuation rules and YOU have to figure them out!) Now that I think about it, the freedom this whole blog business gives me (that is, the freedom to get downright Faulknerian on your ass) is delicious. Scary delicious. (You see, if I hadn't added in that last parenthetical, the phrase "your ass is delicious" would have happened -- scandalous!)

ANYway...writing for writing's sake=good. It's something I'm [good at]*** and something people who never took an interest before (hi dad) think I should do more of. Plus, I've spent the last couple of years making it my business to write sexy, witty things about rock stars, and I'm the biggest rock star of all (you're gagging at this? Goooood... totally intended.)

So... write. I mean...right. You know who's hot? Augusten Burroughs. Of course, I've never seen a picture, so I'm not using "hot" in the Paris-Hiltonian sense of the word. I mean "hot" in the he-can-write-an-entire-piece-about-getting-the-best-blow-jobs-of-his-life-from-Catholic-priests-and-have-it-published-in-one-of-the-best-[definitely the best-designed]-magazines-in-the-country kind of way. That's me using a bunch of hyphens to say that any guy who can make me laugh out loud simply**** by putting the right words in the right order could have me any day (you know, questionable sexual practices with religious figures aside.)

Hey, while I'm exploring the smart/hot dichotomy, let's take a minute to give a shout-out to the Northwestern football team, which has once again shown that brawn and brains are not mutually exclusive (OK, so I know that NU football players are not especially endowed in the "brawn" department [and probably not the "brains" department, either, for that matter], but let me be romantic about it for a minute, will you?) The 'Cats beat Purdue today (barely, but whatever.) It's an especially sweet victory because Purdue still has that whole Drew Brees haughtiness thing going on, and also because I hate that giant drum thing they do (who thinks that's actually cool?)

So our defeat of the Boilermakers got me thinking about school mascots, and I came to the conclusion that mascots are just like fortune-cookie fortunes. You know, you're supposed to add the phrase "in bed" to the end of your fortunes, and sometimes it makes sense and is funny (and thus awesome) and sometimes it just falls flat. By the same token, if you can say "I'm a [insert mascot here] in bed," and it sounds sexy, you're golden. If not, you -- and your school -- obviously suck. Let's do a little test, shall we? In response to the question, "what's you'r school's mascot?" you say:

1.) I'm a Trojan [in bed] ... OK, Trojan... condom company... kinda funny. I'll let it pass.
2.) I'm a Spartan [in bed] ... ooh, that's too bad. Not sexy at all. Sorry.
3.) I'm a Boilermaker [in bed]... Heh??? And then... EW!
4.) I'm a Wildcat [in bed]... now that's what I'm talkin' about. RAWR!

Alright, point proven, I think. And.......all that mascot philosophizing wore me out. I think my work is done here (and I promise, this post is long because it's the first... not to say that I don't ramble, because, hell, look at me, I'm doing it right nowl; but I will try to be more concise in the future. Just givin' you a taste. Bi-otch.) Sorry, had to get at least one bi-otch in. I plan on making it a blog-motif. Get ready.......

* I'm succumbing to peer pressure more now than ever, to which I say...Huh?
** On second thought, don't ask
***Sorry to get all "physically interactive" on you, but please use air quotes around the phrase [good at.]
**** Simple? Who am I kidding?